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June 16, 2005
Christ Almighty
Dig, if you will, a picture. It's midafternoon, you're travelling along the interstate highway through The Middle of Nowhere, Ohio. Dull, boring, endlessly flat Ohio (it's flatter than a pancake here, flatter than Kansas even). You have to pee, and you're not sure how far the next rest stop is. It's hot and muggy, your car doesn't have air conditioning, the water in your water bottle is hot enough to brew tea. You didn't sleep all that well in the hotel last night, the gin and tonic and country-western karaoke gave you a headache, and you're tired. Maybe you're just beginning to doze off a bit, maybe the heat and boredom are causing you to hallucinate. . .
Is that something? There, in the distance? It looks like something. . . not flat. We're not in Ohio anymore, Toto.
What the fuck is that?
It looks like a man. A really big man-statue. No, a really big half-a-man-statue, sticking out of the ground. Paul Bunyan? John Henry? Andre the Giant?
Christ on a cracker.
It's a really big Jesus. A really big half-Jesus. Jesus rising from the waves. With a really tiny cross, sort of like those teenage boys you see riding down the street on those little tiny trick bicycles. How do they get anywhere on those little bikes, with those little tiny wheels? Is that little cross big enough to hold that really big Jesus?
Look at the cars. Look at how big Jesus is compared to the cars. It's a bit of overkill, if you ask me.
Is this the biggest half-Jesus in the world, do you think?
Posted by jodi at June 16, 2005 07:35 PM | categories: dumbass
Comments
sweet jebus!
Posted by: (me)Lanie at June 16, 2005 08:16 PM
Oh, you got pictures of it! That statue caused Terry and I much hilarity on a road trip down to a gig in Kentucky. There's a whole webpage on it at http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/OHMONjesus.html, and yes, the church does believe it's the largest Jesus in the world. Quite why he's buried up to his waist is another matter. I think he's yelling "Get me away from these nutters!"
Posted by: Kirsti at June 16, 2005 08:22 PM
I love it. I love it. Where is it so we can visit it. Hey did you guys see the signs for Jesus and Waffles on way down south. When we drove to Savanah we say a bunch of resturant billboard advertising Jesus and waffles. That just made my evening!
Posted by: Krista at June 16, 2005 08:25 PM
I think that is the funniest fucking christ ona cracker i've ever seen. :D
Posted by: korin at June 16, 2005 08:40 PM
Oh, JFC, as I'm so fond of saying. (email me for the translation if you need to) ....no, wait...
I'm going to change my tone:
Jodi, this post is JUST BLASPHEMOUS. How dare you! And you're taking the Lord's name in vain, even in your title. I'm not reading here ever AGAIN!
I figure I might as well do it...you might as well have a friend say it than some dorkhead who really means it....;-D
This is UNREAL. Unreal. But kinda funny-lookin', which makes it at least a little bit fun. And didn't it do wonders to cool you down? Like a breath of fresh air or something? (guffawwwww)
Posted by: Norma at June 16, 2005 08:46 PM
Wait, I just noticed something. I think it's those high-power electrical wires that are forcing him out of his GRAVE. That's IT!
Posted by: Norma at June 16, 2005 08:56 PM
so that's what they meant when they said he would come back. It was a warning - watch out for zombie jesus.
Posted by: caroline at June 16, 2005 09:30 PM
Dude, Jesus is drowning! His cross is sinking. I l know, it's You Sunk My Battleship Jesus!
OK, maybe I shouldn't comment after this much sake.
Posted by: Liz at June 16, 2005 09:50 PM
I wish they'd build an identical one next to it, then it'd be Synchronized Swimming Jesus.
Or an identical one all in black across the water, kind of like was supposed to be done across from the Taj Mahal. Jesus and anti-Jesus could wave massive fists at each other all the live long day.
Posted by: jodi at June 16, 2005 09:55 PM
Oh, and I thought that Bakerina's Christ the Redeemer that bore a significant resemblance to Gumby last year was amazing. This is even better!
Posted by: Snow at June 16, 2005 09:55 PM
Holy crap. Not only is that the weirdest damn thing to see driving down the road, but is it just me or are his eyes a bit deformed?! Is this what happens after too many beers in Ohio?? Really bad sculpture?! ROTFL!!! I really hope that is the biggest half Jesus in the world because I would hate to think that there is a BIGGER one out there... *shudder*
Posted by: Jessica at June 16, 2005 09:56 PM
hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Posted by: caro at June 16, 2005 10:10 PM
Your category says it all, babe.
Posted by: claudia at June 16, 2005 10:11 PM
I want to know whose idea it was to do that? I mean, what do you do, call a statuary place and order the biggest fucking Jesus you can make; no make that the biggest fucking Jesus bust in the US?
Posted by: Deneen at June 16, 2005 10:34 PM
Words do not even beging to explain... I had to link this.
Posted by: Tek at June 16, 2005 11:18 PM
Thank you for the very twisted feeling I have when singing "When Doves Cry" while looking at Giant Half-Jesus. My skin is crawling. :P
Posted by: Karma at June 16, 2005 11:43 PM
He needs to take a few steps to Illinois. There's a cross more suited to his size in Effingham (http://www.thecross-photo.com/The_Cross_in_Effingham_Illinois.htm).
Posted by: Robin at June 17, 2005 12:39 AM
personally I hope it's the *only* big half jesus in the world!
Anna
Posted by: Anna at June 17, 2005 05:15 AM
Snow is right. This is much better than the Christ of the Ozarks statue (a/k/a Gumby Jesus) in northwest Arkansas, rumored to be so big that it had to be taken down a bit to keep out of the flight path of approaching aircraft to Fayetteville. But Gumby Jesus is just really large and oddly scaled. This one, though...whew.
Posted by: Bakerina at June 17, 2005 08:30 AM
Shit, I just spit coffee onto my keyboard! Crazy ass Ohio Jesus freaks!
Totally digging the Prince reference too!
Posted by: Tara at June 17, 2005 08:50 AM
Oh, I'm going to have some nightmares from this one, I'm afraid. Glad you didn't drive off the road.
Posted by: Cari at June 17, 2005 08:59 AM
Can someone PLEASE explain to me again why we ever stopped feeding hte Xtians to the fucking Lions?
Posted by: Aequitas at June 17, 2005 09:21 AM
All I can say is its lucky they're not on a fault line. I cannot imagine having one of those arms crack off during an earthquake. Yikes!
Posted by: Kathleen at June 17, 2005 11:39 AM
What the?????
Posted by: Sedie at June 17, 2005 11:58 AM
All that's missing is Christ in a Sidecar and Christ on Toast!
That's some funny shit...
Posted by: La at June 17, 2005 01:19 PM
Jesus Christ! Even he needs a hug now and then...
Posted by: Bob at June 17, 2005 02:09 PM
Ok, now, is Jesus going to use his big ass hand to clean off my computer? HUH?
Ya'll be careful driving around those parts, they look strange - strange and scary.
Posted by: Sandy at June 17, 2005 02:13 PM
OMG - it's Jesus in a sinkhole! That is too funny. (found you via Ei's blog)
Posted by: Gaile at June 18, 2005 01:05 AM
That is fucking twisted. Backing away slowly...
Posted by: Mandy at June 18, 2005 04:28 AM
I told those people that I wasn't white, but they didn't listen. None of you are paying attention. That's it. I give up. It's hellfire and damnation for all of you.
Posted by: Jesus at June 20, 2005 10:43 AM
One summer day, while strolling across Ohio saving souls, JC discovered the infamous quicksand pits just off of I-75.
Posted by: Bob the Librarian at June 23, 2005 09:59 AM
Damn, if the mammoth fossils in the tar pits wasn't enough fro the Creationists to handle...
Posted by: lunastrixae at June 28, 2005 12:02 AM